


ACT ONE: Childhood is....

by mobileLignum



Series: Alpharested Development [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, SBURB, Trans Characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-10 11:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mobileLignum/pseuds/mobileLignum
Summary: A young lady is baking in her home. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of april of 2009 it is this young lady's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago she was given life, it is only today she'll finally tell her dad her actual name.





	1. What weighs us down.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on the AU alphaswap! Be prepared my dudes because absolutely nobody is cis.

A heavy aroma of baked goods emanates from your home. Your home having a sweet smell isn’t a particularly strange occurrence, as both you and your dad love baking. Today, however, is a special day. Today it is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, you and your dad have spent all morning baking.

You had run out of baking supplies by the third cake, and so you wave your dad goodbye as he drives to the store. You would’ve gone with him, but your friends are probably really wanting to talk to you right now. As soon as your dad’s car leaves the driveway the smile on your face disappears and you let your expression disrepair into pure anxiety. 

You make your way up the stairs, berating yourself every step for being a coward. You’ve been wanting to tell your dad your SECRET all day, and every time you dared open your mouth you instinctually changed the subject from what you were actually thinking. 

You open the door to your room and the first thing you hear is a notification from your computer. You sigh, hopefully it isn’t TG. She’d be pushing you even harder to go along with what you wanted to do today (which, admittedly, is advice you need to hear.) 

You set the slice of cake you brought with you on the desk and sit down in front of your computer.

Today, 13 of April of 2009 you are now THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. You have a fondness for pranks and baking. You read a lot of detective stories, and take delight in situational comedy. You enjoy to contemplate frightening fauna, and aspire to be an amateur botanist. These are all things your dad knows about you.

What your dad doesn’t know is that your name is JANE.

Your name is JANE EGBERT and today is the day you come out as a girl.

Anyway, it looks like your crush is messaging you. Crap, he’ll think you were ignoring him!

grotesqueThunder [GT] began pestering  eggsBenedict [EB] 

GT: Aloha madame!   
GT: So what sort of pranksters gambit did you get up to today?   
GT: Did you get any sort of ludicrous treasure youll be sure to cherish for the rest of the year?   
GT: Cherish like a very good friend perhaps? 

Better salvage this quick!

EB: Oh hi! Sorry!! I promise I wasn’t ignoring you it’s just that I was baking all day, y’know how birthdays are. 

GT: Haha! its all mighty fine with me! i know you really get into those artifacts of confection and all that jazz   
GT: Make any nice teeth rotters? 

You giggle a bit. He sure does have a way of speaking! You’re used to it by now but sometimes how he talks still gets to you. He’s very cute.

EB: Well a) I haven’t opened my gifts yet, or checked the mail.   
EB: And b) Me and my dad made three cakes! One carrot, one green velvet and one strawberry. 

GT: Sounds bedazzling!   
GT: Bummer about the gifts tho   
GT: You should check the mail! see if you got anything! 

EB: Why would I have gotten anything in the mail? 

GT: Erm   
GT: *tugs at collar* 

EB: Is there something you know, GT?   
EB: Are you, perhaps, part of a conspiracy?   
EB: Should I maybe use my sleuthing skills on you? >:B 

GT: Come on now janey! im just diana princing about the game   
GT: You know! sburb! 

You bring a hand to your head. Oh right! The game! You’ve been so busy thinking about how you’re gonna talk to your dad that you completely forgot about SBURB. 

That doesn’t mean GT is off the handle just yet. he’s definitely hiding something.

EB: Oh crud I completely forgot.   
EB: I’m gonna go check the mail soon. You’ve been excited about this game for a long time!   
EB: Even if all we got were promises and vague hints from that woman. Working with Skaianet is a good sign though 

GT: Of course im flipping excited! 

EB: You and everybody else but me :B. 

GT: Just think! a multiplayer open world adventure! one where we get to craft our own path as well as our own items! mining our building blocks from the rests of the enemy all while collaborating towards a single goal!   
GT: Plus the project is being lead by one of our favourite authors   
GT: Well tgs favourite author   
GT: Dont blame a fella for being hopeful! 

EB: Yeah I guess I can see the appeal. I’m just a bit skeptical.   
EB: I guess it’s worth to at least give it a chance. 

You walk over to the window and briefly glance at the mailbox’s lever. Mail’s here. You guess you might as well go now.

EB: Mail’s here. I’m gonna go check now. 

GT: Okey dokey! 

You walk outside of your room. On the way to the stairs you see the pictures of various depictions of angels, particularly of the serpentine kind. Everywhere you turn you see a different depiction of a reptile with pairs of wings, plural. These things rarely have only two wings. 

Even downstairs you see more and more angel iconography. You’ve seen it a thousand times before. You never knew your dad to be a religious man, but he had in fact tried to convince you that he was a theologist for the early years of your life. A ruse you had believed for quite a bit, but you’re a curious child and while the old man did his research you did eventually sneak into his room and find out he was just a businessman. 

You have no idea why he hid that seemingly unimportant fact, you never confronted him about it, and you’re not sure it even matters. The angels aren’t distressing, they’re nice, and always catch your eye, sometimes you just can’t look away.

What catches your eye NOW though is the big gift in the middle of the living room. Dad said you could open it after you two were finished baking together, you guess you forgot.

You walk over to it, unwrapping the box carefully. What could be under such large gift box you wonder? Baking supplies? A pile of detective books? A very large clown? These are all of course very ludicrous aside from the first one, but you entertain the thought anyway.

What you see instead is a giant angel doll. It has a serpentine tail, wings, and is taller than your body.

It’s not exactly what you wanted but gosh dang it if it isn’t a precious addition to the collection, for whatever reason there needs to be a collection.

Before you go outside you take a moment to take a look at your departed nanna’s ashes. Dad told you she was a funny woman, though she doesn’t look happy in that picture, you wonder what that’s about.

You head outside still wondering about the mystery of your dad’s occupation, but that’s not the mystery you should be having in mind. You instead focus on what the real reason must be for Jake’s arm twisting about the mail (okay, arm twisting is a bit of a stretch but-) he tugged his metaphorical collar for a reason! He might as well be blatant that he’s planning something.

You’re about to check the mailbox, but take a moment to look around you. Empty streets as far as your eye can see, not a single cold breeze blows on your skin. It seems like just a moment ago you were in the middle of something. It seemed like you were about to get something done, and were stopped by how everything in the streets seems still.

These streets are not the only thing that are still. It is your thirteenth birthday and as with all twelve preceding it you feel yourself stuck. You’re, to your knowledge not bound by some kind of cosmic entity, or some kind of major oppressive force constant in your life. You are imprisoned in inaction by your own hand. You are in servitude to the forces of life, unable to make your own. This is not something you blame on anybody but yourself, on your inability to actually SPEAK.

You allow everyone to watch and dictate your every move, less like wanting a guardian angel and more like being a willing lackey.

‘Childhood is what weighs us down, bringing us to crash onto hard realities, much like a tire swing weights a tree’s branch until it’s demise.’ -R.L

Well not today!

You captchalogue the two Sburb envelopes and the mysterious Green and Pink packages, only thoughts about mysteries are briefly forgotten. You ARE going to tell your dad that you’re a GIRL, no matter how SCARED you are. You’re going to take control and oh god that’s his car approaching.

You lasscamper into your home and are about to run upstairs when you stop yourself. Really? Is THAT what you’re gonna do? Right after you made such a big deal out of convincing yourself to come out? Right after you promised TG over and over that you’d come out as soon as you were thirteen?

You’re trembling, you are legitimately trembling. You feel your bones are going to shatter and pierce through your skin and then said skin is going to melt into a puddle of self doubt. 

The door opens behind you and you hear your dad talk. Okay then, this is it. Afraid or not, here you go.

“**** ARE YOU ALRIGHT.” 

His voice isn’t LOUD, but he’s got this stern tone. You’d always get a sense that no matter what he’s saying or doing, be it a prank, or a normal question, that he takes it like SERIOUS BUSINESS. 

“I’m alright dad. I just uh, I got excited! For my-” 

You were about to say “birthday” but no. You keep doing this. You keep going back on your word you can’t just-

You take a deep breath, you’re shaking.

“Actually dad there’s something I should tell you.” 

You sit down on the couch next to the angel doll. Your dad stays standing, giving you a concerned look. He doesn’t intend to sit down.

“ARE YOU ALRIGHT SON?” 

Son.

His perfect little boy.

An image built on for years.

He’s always proud of you no matter what you do, you dread the day when that stops being the case. Looks like it might be today.

“Actually that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about.” 

He raises a brow. You can practically feel the concern radiate from him. Whatever he’s thinking he’s probably jumped to the worst case scenario.

“Dad….I’m….” 

“YOU ARE WHAT. WHATS GOING ON SON” 

“I’m uh….” 

“YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST ME SON. 

Oh god he’s really laying it on thick. Fuck.

“ILL ALWAYS BE PROUD OF YOU SO-” 

“I’M NOT YOUR FRIGGIN SON!” 

You’ve never regretted words leaving your mouth as much as you have now. Tears are already streaming down your face and you can see how hurt he is. Fuck fuck fuck, dumb girl, useless useless useless. He clearly doesn’t know what to say, oh god, oh god you need to-

“I mean- I am your offspring as far as I know! I think so at least? Oh god I messed up so bad. That’s not what I meant. Fuck. 

“WHAT DID YOU-” 

“I’m a girl! That’s what I meant! My name’s Jane. My name’s Jane, I’m a girl I’m-” 

Your rambling is stopped for a moment as soon as your dad hugs you, then you’re crying into his chest. You hate crying, you’re such an ugly crier, your face goes red, your nose starts leaking. Everything’s a mess. You keep repeating the same words over and over, you’re a girl, you’re a girl, you’re a girl.

“I LOVE YOU JANE." 

You tell him you love him too.

 

It’s been like half an hour and you’re better now. Your face is still red, and you’re not sure your dad understands everything entirely, but he accepts you and you think that’s enough for now. 

He decides to keep baking, probably to sort through what just happened. You’d do the same but you feel you should update your progress to your friends (not to mention GT really wants to test that beta.)

You go upstairs. Your Pesterchum has been BOOMING.

eggsBenedict [EB] is an idle chum! 

GT: Oh right! minor blunder on my part but   
GT: I cant connect with you right now.   
GT: I have to go hunting with my ma’!   
GT: Maybe you can play with TT! hes been busting my nut wanting to be my server for a long time   
GT: Always with the arm twisting and the nut busting and the brain puzzlers   
GT: Honestly i think he might be harboring something deeper but i cant for the hope of me figure out this brain teaser   
GT: Anyway i have to get moving. tell me if you liked my present! 

grotesqueThunder [GT] ceased pestering eggsBenedict [EB] 

 

transGal [TG] began pestering eggsBenedict [EB] 

TG: hiiii janey   
TG: hellooo?   
TG: hows mission out the closet?   
TG: did u make good on ur promise   
TG: did u completely wreck the living SHIT out of that confession   
TG: claim ur ground like a doggy pisses on fire hydrants and shit   
TG: lmao   
TG: aight talk to me later girl   
TG: my connection rite now sucks ass lol 

transGal [TG] ceased pestering eggsBenedict [EB] 

You check on your chumroll after reading all of your messages, looks like TT is online. Just as you’re about to pester him you get the message. 

tenaciousTrainee [TT] began pestering eggsBenedict [EB] 

TT: Yo.   
TT: Heard from GT that you got the game. Our troll friends have been bothering us about getting in this mad biz for ages now.   
TT: Honestly I know that we both just want to get it over with   
TT: Though I’m kind of excited, not gonna lie.   
TT: GT has a way to psyche people up for anything   
TT: He could hype up a movie about, I don’t know,   
TT: Alien ghostbusters and I’d be on that shit.   
TT: Okay I’m rambling. 

EB: I do know what you mean :B   
EB: I love it when he rambles about the things he thinks are great.   
EB: Like that new Iron Man movie. 

TT: I don’t think anyone expected that to be good but go and behold almost 600 million dollars in the box office 

EB: We’re getting quite offtrack 

TT: Yeah, but to conclude,   
TT: GT’s great, that’s really all there is to say about it 

EB: He really is   
EB: So! The game? 

TT: Yeah I’m down to play   
TT: We’re doing this man   
TT: We’re making this happen 

EB: Not a man. 

TT: Noted. Sorry.   
TT: Let’s actually begin though 

You begin running the client disc. On the screen a spirograph shifts inwards on itself while miscellaneous words flash before you. Despite your skepticism you feel excited. You’ve heard plenty things about this game from your troll friends, most which would make a snooty gentleman raise a brow and laugh at your face as if you’d just told one of your best jokes.

Still though, even if it’s bad you hope it’s hilariously bad. It should help you relax from the emotional rollercoaster you just experienced…

You hope this is gonna be a fun day.


	2. Like A River

You find yourself in your apartment during a hot day. The room you’re in is littered with tools and half finished mechanical projects. It would be a safety hazard if you weren’t so hypercompetent, and it would be cleaner if you weren’t, as your friends say ‘A hot mess of a person.’. There are posters of various anime as well as merchandise, particularly from the Kingdom Hearts series. Standing out above all though is a ventriloquist dummy holding a katana replica.

A cool dude stands in this bedroom. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of april is a friend’s birthday. Coincidentally, this day is also the day he told himself he is going to admit to his SIS that he is a boy. You’ve run the scenario countless times in your head. Your face is cold as steel, your attitude cool as ice, your katana sugoi as fuck (though that last one has nothing to do with the current situation.)

Logically speaking you should not be feeling fear, who says you are? It sure is hard to tell with that steel cold face and those anime shades. You keep your heart locked up under those triangular prisons much like a low level uncool crook is locked up in jail by the cool police. 

Those analogies sure are getting away from you though. You keep that shit locked before it crosses the realm of ironic cool to straight up annoying. You have things to be doing, the list so far is: Coming out as a boy. Finish your work on Jane’s present so that you can get it to her. Play SBURB with your friends (just make sure you’re closer to GT chainwise). 

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and you aren’t going to waste any time.

You put your replica katana in your strife deck for when things get too hot to handle (which is never). Captchalogue Lil’ Cal (your best puppet friend), your iphone, and take one look at your room before you go out. 

 

It’s not too hard to find your sis. You quietly flashstep through the apartment, passing by several SBAHJ posters and into her room. You’re quiet enough that she doesn’t notice you’re in the room yet. You briefly consider switching topics to the SBAHJ movie coming out this year, or have another ironic rap off about how she keeps the preserved stuffed corpse of your former palm sized pet pony. 

You’re formulating the ideal way for you to come out when you see her turn around, her eyebrows raise and her lips twitch a little. She never did like when you snuck up on her, you keep doing it anyway because it’s comforting to see anything other than her poker face, also because it’s funny. 

jesus fuck dude again   
how many times are you gonna pull this ninja shit    
how many times am i gonna have to turn around and have my face dopesmacked by little girls and their ironic ninja bullshit   
roaming the lands of this apartment with a shitty sword in hand   
challenging her big sister to fights in order to reclaim her honor   
”sorry sis, its duel or die up in this mad ninja world”

Is that a crow on your shoulder?

Why the fuck is there a crow on her shoulder. Of all ironic shenanigans you thought you’d be willing to put up with today somehow on the list is: not fucking this. 

yeah hes my fucking familiar   
bound together to me like a fucking soulmate   
were close like two lips touching homoerotically   
watch as i take all of his bird di-

Can you for fuck’s sake answer the question.

my boss gave it to me so that i could give it to you   
said she was sorry about the lost of maplehoof   
thought youd like the little guy, i can see why   
what are you gonna name him

The only reason you don’t look freaked out is because you think your sis is being genuine about this, but you can never know. You’re extremely bad at telling when someone is genuine. 

Regardless you think of a name.

His name is Dave.   
Dave Strider.

man thats a cool ass name

Speaking of names.   
My name’s Dirk, I’m a boy.

yeah okay

Any other kid would take that answer and leave, but you see the way she’s smirking. She’s smiling the same way she always does when she’s expecting you to follow up with an ironic analogy. She did not believe your statement at all.

I’m serious, sis.

sure you are

No. Stop. Stop with that bullshit.   
I’m telling you, honestly, not at all ironically. I’m being one hundred percent genuine, heart on my sleeve. 100% honest right now, as real as kraft mayo.    
I’m a boy. 

im pretty sure some baby pictures would disagree

You hate that. You hate the smug smirk on her face, you hate how she thinks this is some kind of elaborate ironic dig. You hate this body of yours. If you could you’d rip out your soul from your body and put it in another one, swap with TG maybe. 

I’m trans you fucking dumbass   
Like   
You always do shit like this.   
You’ve built your whole self, your whole internet personality on being a cool girl who’s not “one of those girls”    
You have this idea that if you’re cool then it automatically means you get to say bad shit and be ignorant about topics you really should do research about because you can say something that might pass as funny to a person who grew up eating shit whole. 

holy shit    
maybe reign it back a little there dude   
jokes going a bit too far

And it makes you unable to take anything seriously   
It’s like your whole attitude has been poisoned by this fake ass joke persona    
And for other people it just looks like that’s how you actually are, making it that much easier for assholes to identify with you. 

sis, stop. 

Didn’t you hear me dude? It’s bro now, it always has been    
And like I get it, it’s funny to play the part of the asshole but fuck, people genuinely can’t tell who you are sometimes

alright i get it youre a boy, somehow, despite all things pointing to the con-

Oh my fucking god.   
Why are you so hyperfocused on the idea of this being a joke, or impossible.   
Why is the idea that someone has revealed such a huge thing about their identity that you didn’t know was optional so fucking mindblowing to you.   
Have you maybe considered that your identity as a girl also kinda comes out as fake as shit without you intending to?

jesus fuck i get it 

You’ve never seen her emote so much. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she’s sweating a bit. Wow, you really tore her down there. 

fine. youre a boy. im an asshole. thats all there really is to say about it.   
can you and dave leave the room now   
i need to work on something   
oh take maplehoof by the way

You’re confused as to why you’d need to take Maplehoof, considering she’s dead. You take the tiny stuffed pony in your sylladex and exit the room.

That was kind of cathartic, your heart is beating like a motherfucker.

As you walk to your room you realize you’re starting to tear up, fuck. Why do you feel so guilty suddenly? It sucks, because you know you’re right. You’re just not sure things with your sis will be the same.

You’re not sure if how things were before was perfect either.

“Your self is like a long river. It splits into several paths, each of them either leading into something greater, or collapsing onto dry floor like a meteor crashes onto an unsuspecting planet, ruining the lives of everybody around it.” K.V

You go to your room and look at the installed Sburb Client and Server on your computer. You decide to pester your chums while they’re online.

tenaciousTrainee [TT] began pestering transGal [TG]

TT: Before I forget, I gotta give you the update.    
TT: I told my sis. It went okay 

TG: omg    
TG: im so proud of youuuuuu    
TG: my lil dirky all grown up 

TT: Yeah. 

TG: my bs detector is tingling tho    
TG: something tells my mom senses    
TG: that it did NOT go okay 

TT: Well it didn’t go terrible 

TG: do i need to punch a binch 

TT: Like she’d let you.    
TT: I’ve been trying to get her to spar with me for forever    
TT: I get that she doesn’t want to use her actual sword but she could very easily use a replica one.    
TT: It’d be fun, ironically fun even. 

TG: dirk, mboy    
TG: you do NOT need permission to smack a binch   
TG: u just smack her

TT: Well I’m not gonna assault her with my fake katana like some sort of dweeb 

TG: dirky    
TG: u have a fake katana   
TG: you permanently wear anime shades on ur face at all times   
TG: ur the type of dweeb to consider attacking her with said fake katana and we both know u are 

TT: Oh hey GT’s online look at that. 

TG: lol keep avoiding it 

TT: I’m gonna talk to him, see if we can play the game. 

TG: maybe. he and his ma have been mad busy making his movies lately tho    
TG: and hunting    
TG: anyways good luck! <3 

tenaciousTrainee [TT] ceased pestering transGal [TG]

 

tenaciousTrainee [TT] began pestering grotesqueThunder [GT]

TT: Y’know the constant excuses to not play a game with your best bro could be considered a disgrace in the name of brohood   
TT: Shit be a straight up transgression   
TT: What’s next? Actual feelings? Not being a complete dick for no reason?   
TT: Are you gonna forget to say no homo    
TT: You HAVE to say no homo dude, otherwise the brolice comes for you.    
TT: They’ll slap you with their dildo shaped batons 

GT: What? Come on dirk theres no need to bust my nuts so much! 

Against all odds you giggle. 

GT: Im excited for this game too! honestly ive been looking forward to it so much i might as well be precognitively inclined    
GT: Im just as frustrated as you that we cant play    
GT: *leaves a very deep sigh* 

TT: Alright, sorry dude. No pressure    
TT: I mean you’re clearly a big deal 

GT: Oh bother    
GT: I really am not! i make these movies with my ma to have fun!    
GT: I just happen to have plundered the rabbits foot on this one and find myself with a lot of money and stuff    
GT: I still like to keep it indie as jones 

TT: I’m just saying you don’t give yourself enough credit.    
TT: You wanted to be an action hero, so you straight up became the star of your own action movie franchise.    
TT: And you support independent creators on top of that    
TT: That’s sick as hell. 

GT: You sure know how to butter up a fella 

TT: Your body is absolutely covered in butter now. You’re welcome 

GT: Haha! thank you bro    
GT: It really means a lot that you think so highly of me!    
GT: Heavens to pepsi look at the time    
GT: Look i cant play but jane can! she just went to check the mail and shes free i think    
GT: I promise I’ll be your server! right now i gotta go on the hunt though    
GT: I really hope she likes her birthday present 

TT: Genuine movie memorabilia from you? She’s bound to be on that shit 

GT: Not to gaze at the vanity for too long but i hope so 

TT: She’ll love it, I know I would. 

GT: *smiles*    
GT: I really gotta go. bye! 

grotesqueThunder [GT] ceased pestering tenaciousTrainee [TT]

Okay, so he’ll be your server. Not like you pictured but no big deal. Speaking of Jane you gotta work put the finishing touches on her present, you make a mental note before pestering her. 

tenaciousTrainee [TT] began pestering eggsBenedict [EB] 

TT: Yo.    
TT: Heard from GT that you got the game. 

End Of Chapter 2


	3. The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Your name is JANE EGBERT and you’re more pleased than you should be when nothing much shows up on your screen after the loading screen, if a bit disappointed after all that flare.

Very well then! You are right once more, skepticism is rewarded, no surprises here. SBURB was a bust and there is nothing else to say about it. You can practically feel the smugness rise within you like a souffle. 

EB: Ha!   
EB: I knew it HAD to be a bust.   
EB: Nothing much showed up on my end of the screen.   
EB: Guess our troll friends were pulling a right jape on us!   
EB: One I did not fall for >:B 

TT: Hey I can see your house.   
TT: You should probably open those boxes there. 

EB: What?   
EB: Come on Dirk. The joke is over.   
EB: My prankster’s gambit already went up significantly thank you very much :B 

Whatever you were going to type next you forget, because you feel something bumping against your head. You turn around and your face is lightly bopped. What the heck was that?

You see the green box seemingly floating, only you take a second look and it’s not. It’s being held by what looks to be the game logo stylized as some sort of cursor.

You feel like you just played yourself in more ways than one.

EB: Are you doing this?   
EB: Gosh I can’t believe the claims about this game are real   
EB: Well, I feel like a fool. 

TT: Can’t blame you.   
TT: About being skeptic I mean.   
TT: Shit aint exactly what you’d call believable   
TT: I had my own suspicions though. Had a feeling it might be the real deal. 

EB: Really? How come? 

TT: Since we’re putting all cards on the table I’ve been having weird dreams, sorta like TG’s   
TT: Well, I think they’re dreams. I keep dissociating midday and going back into a body that isn’t mine but it kind of is   
TT: Like, it’s me, but...Y’know the ideal version of me, and I keep seeing TG.   
TT: She says she saw me too, and then she wanders off to whatever the fuck the golden place is called to check on someone. 

EB: Hmm. Sounds like quite the fantasy!   
EB: What do you think it means? 

TT: I’m not sure it’s a fantasy anymore honestly   
TT: I think by now I’m pretty sure she’s being legit about this shit.   
TT: She tells me things you know. Things she doesn’t tell anybody else.   
TT: Stuff about magic and ghosts and all that shit.   
TT: I’m starting to believe it. 

EB: Come on now Dirk. MAYBE the dream thing is true but…  
EB: You know TG can be a little…  
EB: Okay this is gonna sound mean but she very much craves any kind of attention and affection   
EB: That’s not a BAD thing. I love her a lot   
EB: But we have to be willing to love her for what she isn’t making up y’know? I don’t wanna give her the wrong idea…   
EB: That I love her for who’s she pretending to be 

TT: Maybe you’re looking at it wrong   
TT: Yeah you should love her for who she is but maybe she’s not lying about who she is in the first place   
TT: Also I thought you liked GT. 

EB: I do!   
EB: I think..I think I like her too? I think I like both of them.   
EB: I don’t know if that’s normal. 

TT: That’s not weird at all, girl   
TT: Polyamoury’s a thing   
TT: Love’s a beautiful thing. Why keep it to one person. 

EB: Yeah!   
EB: Thank you Dirk :B 

TT: For real tho. You should really open GT’s and TG’s presents. They’ve been excited to give them to you for a while. 

EB: I’ll get down to it. 

You grab the green box out of the air, and eye the pink box on your bed. You open up the box to find…

A cute stuffed bunny! It’s wearing a little vest and a fedora. This bunny looks much like the one that appeared in one of GT’s movies! But wait! according to the certificate of authenticity t does not JUST look like that bunny! It is, in fact, the very same bunny! Gosh, that one was one of your favourites. You briefly recall the tale of a bunny being taken from a child, and then that child amasses a spy network of children who attain weapons and hunt down the dastardly criminal to get the toy back, the toy being also an artifact that brings the imaginary to life.

It was one of your favourite fantasy/spy/comedy movie of all time! It comes with a note too! 

To my dearest janey!

Good golly. it has been three years since we became friends and darn tootin if i said i didnt enjoy those three years tremendously then pull down my pants and call the fire department because those pants are on fire! i couldnt thank you enough for that present you gave me last year. i wear it all the time you know. i never take that thing off! 

I wanted to repay you with something special of my own! you gave me movie memorabilia so of course as soon as i knew you had your keen eye on that cute bunny that i had to give it to you! did you know that it didnt only appear on my movie. this bunny has actually appeared on tons of movies! like con air for example! 

I hope you appreciate how many outstanding moving picture stars have had their hands on this bunny! its like the gift that keeps being passed on from star to star! and now the stars have given something to you too! 

Not to say that im quite at star level just yet! but gosh dang it i hope im at least good enough to have held the damn thing. i know you are! 

Hope you have a happy birthday! -grotesqueThunder 

You’re blushing, gosh are you blushing. Your whole face might as well be on fire with how warm it is. You leave the bunny on your bed and bring your journal from the magic chest. You go to a blank page in your journal and tape the letter there so you can always read it.

You hear a pesterchum notification.

TT: Okay that’s adorable.   
TT: Take it you like it? 

EB: Oh shoot I forgot you could see me!   
EB: Don’t tell anyone I did that! 

TT: Don’t worry sis   
TT: These lips are locked tighter than government documents   
TT: They’re gonna have to get past an army of samurai before getting to these lips.   
TT: A billion deaths for a billion secrets 

EB: Hoo hoo hoo!   
EB: Well, I know I can trust you.   
EB: I’m really glad I went to check the mail now!   
EB: I love the bunny! 

TT: You know I have a similar bunny myself   
TT: It has a hat and a vest too, but it’s old and kinda tattered.   
TT: I love the damn thing. 

EB: I can relate!   
EB: I love Little Sebastian (that’s what I’m naming him)   
EB: Move away TG! I have a new, cuddlier best friend >:B 

TT: Like she wouldn’t cuddle you if you asked 

EB: Noooo   
EB: Stop that right now mister! 

TT: It’s true tho   
TT: Also you gotta check TG’s present next.   
TT: Chick’s been keeping her plans for your birthday shrouded in more mystery than fucking Atlantis.   
TT: It’s weird really.   
TT: She won’t even tell me.   
TT: But she made me spill my guts about my plans for your present 

EB: Ooh?   
EB: I didn’t see any other package in the mail. 

TT: Yeah I’m still working on it   
TT: Don’t try to dig. Your sleuthing skills won’t work.   
TT: All you need to know is that it’s a project I intend to finish 

EB: Looking forward to it!  
EB: Just don’t get carried away. You tend to do so with your projects. 

TT: I will not confirm nor deny that statement. 

You make your way over to the pink box. Whatever is in this the thing won’t stop moving. As you open it you can’t help but hope that TG hasn’t sent any live animals over from-

What the fuck?

From the box something jumps out. It looks similar to Little Sebastian, it definitely shares the same hat and vest, but it’s also wearing pointy anime shades. Part of it’s head and body are metal, while the rest of it is either stuffed toy or actual stuffed animal. It also wears a cape with various stars on it, making him look like a wizard, an anime undead plush rabbit wizard.

It also wields with it a bunch of tiny weapons. A huge, silly looking spork. Some kind of blade shaped like a screwdriver. A pair of fucking guns which you are sure are identical to the ones used in the Lincoln assassination (but white and gold), and a pair of gauntlets emanating some kind of dark aura. 

Again. What the fuck?

Neo Seb (that’s what you’re calling the new bunny in your head) hands over the spork, and then he begins to glow slightly green as the spork is now fit for you to wield as a sort of trident. You have no idea what you did to earn such an upgrade in strife specibus but you’ll take it, as confused as you are.

You check the package and there are in fact, two letters. One written in red and one written in TG’s trademark pink.

hey there jane. its cool to be able to talk to yall. well, not talk, but to finally direct some of my sweet ass dialogue at your direction. its a crime really that we dont get to talk until way later on because you bet your sweet ass that youre missing out on an equally sweet voice. its like a party at kid island with how much candy we have to pass around. these kids are going to end up puking their brains out by the morning. shit lil timmy what the fuck did i tell you about eating too much candy you worthless fuck. show some self restraint. 

wait that came out like a fat joke nevermind. slamming the breaks on that one. slamming it harder than that jam. the timespace jam. 

tg tells me youre all meant to go on this bigass adventure and im like “yeah dudette im down to support that like it’s a building and im the pillar of motherfucking coolnes over here. look at how supportive i am. shits downright motivating. makes me rethink the meaning of life” 

i had to do a lot of arm twisting for us to work on this btw. i also had my arm twisted to make this too. its like a race to see whos arm breaks first and also time travel is involved 

anyway i hope you appreciate how much sweat tears and blood i put into finding these and making the bunny alongside tg. heres what the weapons are called 

big spork thing=battlespork of zillywut   
kingdom hearts bootleg=tool of nix  
unconstitutional motherfuckers=royal derringers  
fantasy looking gloves=phantoms fists

i know youll find some use for these legendaries pieces of shit. have fun going on your fantasy quest. 

You suddenly understand nothing.

Like who’s this douchebag? Time travel? Legendary weapons? Magic is real? No seriously who’s this douchebag and why the FUCK didn’t he sign his letter?

You hear a lot of notifications from your computer but you decide to focus on the letter from TG.

happy birth janey! 

hopefully this present isn't like super late, lol. but me and my penpal wanted to give u smthing special for when u came out, and what better gift than a lil’ butler and a bunch of weapons that can probably kill a god! 

im not gonna lie. i've been keeping some deets all vague and shit. shrouded in more mystery than the city of atlantis as dirk would probs say. stuff about the game, about my life. i thought you finally deserved some answers! and i knew u wouldnt believe jack shit of what i told u if i didnt show u some unbelievable shit taking place so here u go! 

okay so where to start on this biz. i guess i should begin with my home life. my gmom? she's a fucking witch janey, or a seer who knows majyyk? who fucking knows lmao. she's been raising me my whole life and training me in majyyks, i'm...not v good at that shit. but i was good enough to make it so that the bunny can do it too! 

she (my gmom) tells me me and my friends are meant to play a game, and that with it comes a terrible fate (i'm not sure i could tell u what it is rn. so don’t ask okay? :( ) but also a big adventure! (:D) and she’s intent on me learning to see the future like her and all that shit but honestly i'm not sure it works like that??? 

like i might have majyyks but i definitely can't do the same shit she can. she's all predictions and fancy spells and i’m like...sneaky, big punchy lol 

there's also my cat, remember frigglish? kitty’s a fucking god tier level eldritch creature or smthng. i love him to bits 

while we're at it AA has been summoning ghosts into my house my whole life. we sorta talk about the dead and shit. shes cool (and kinda hot honestly??) 

then there’s my dreams. good fucking lord my dreams. when i go to sleep i’m in this big purpley place, and i can fly and it feels like one of the animes both because dirk is also there but because of the tentacle monsters in the sky. i mean, hot, and friendly (not in that way) but they sure like to whisper ominous shit 

stuff about how im gonna grow even closer to my cat. like i’m already p damn close to frigglish i have no idea what they mean 

then there’s stuff about my penpal, yeah i’d rather talk about THAT messy concept with u outside the letter. it’s getting 2 long 

i know we’re going 2 meet soon enough janey! just u wait! u can't avoid it! -transGal

 

You’re...Only more confused to be honest. What the fuck? You have no idea what is happening here and you get the sense that you just got a lot dropped onto you too early.

You decide to stop thinking about it and go to the computer. Surely there won’t be any more shocking reveals there.

TT: What the fuck   
TT: Jane. The red text   
TT: That’s my sis’s handwriting   
TT: Did that fucking say time travel?   
TT: Time travel is apparently a thing and not just fun shit I read on my Tech Guide To Building The Pregnostically Inclined   
TT: The bunny holy shit.   
TT: Why does the bunny even have weapons what the fuck   
TT: Okay the stuff on Roxy’s letter I knew kinda.   
TT: Jane.   
TT: I think maybe someone else might get carried away and add onto my project 

You suddenly understand even less.


End file.
